Peaks and Valleys

Last time I saw my therapist, I apologized to her.  In the moment, I seized on an empathic need to apologize for what I felt was a failure to stay assertive and strong.  She looked at me, seeing my frustration and sadness, and told me that everyone's life, including her own, goes through peaks and valleys.  We can't expect it to stay on the upswing.

The past six months, maybe more, have been a lot of compromises-- an undercurrent of telling myself, maybe today will be different. Maybe it will always be this way and I just need to find a way to survive.  I admit to friends and sometimes complete strangers that I've been taking an antidepressant.  I share that it was, at some stage in my relationship, critical for me to do so to stay grounded and reassured of my strength.  I'm sure that message may have caused an internal jolt to some.  I'm not sure why I felt the need to share it. Perhaps it was an abstract internal cry to listen to my Self.

I've found that the more I get into to my life's work of wanting to help people through yoga therapy or through exercise or through connecting them to the writing process, the more I realize I have to work out my own demons.  Those little buggers are standing between me completely realizing my calling.  My energy is all mucked up with things that don't really serve me anymore.  Old survival skills.  Rotted out defense mechanisms.  A crusty lack of self confidence.  

My practice (yoga, meditation, mindfulness, introspection) identifies all of this and peels back the layers to what truly matters.  There's something bright and shiny underneath all that and it's beginning to show through.  

Last night I confessed, "I'm just exhausted.  I'm tired of feeling guilty about everything I do or want to do."   

Authentic me coming out, breaking through.