Inside My Self

Another weekend spent in yoga training. After over 180 hours of intensive teacher training, this one was somehow different. It was the first time since starting (in March) that I felt like I left the studio Sunday afternoon changed from when I had started Saturday morning.  Sure, over the months there have been subtle differences and some epiphanies, but nothing life-changing.

I pride myself on being the kind of teacher who can be creatively informative, who has a sense of humor, and who brings a large helping of encouragement to all of the classes I teach.  I can create classes that have levity and flow--but there's been an inexplicable disconnect.

This weekend pointed me to a gap in my ability to lead.  What unfolded for me is this: I learned that in order to truly help others, as we assisted others in various yoga postures, we must have compassion; compassion really begins with ourselves.  In essence, you must be able to assist yourself, have compassion for yourself, before you can fully extend that compassion to others.

And for a moment I stepped outside of myself and tried to feel compassion for a woman who is strong, who is caring, who is wise and who loves deeply. As I looked further,  I saw someone who has rarely felt safe, who is sensitive, who wants to please even if it means making sacrifices.  I saw someone who didn't grow up knowing where the boundary lines should be placed, who was, in a lot of ways, still a little girl.  And I was happy and sad for her all at the once--sad for the things she endured, but happy she had become so strong and so loving despite any pain.

I realized we are all like this. My life path is no different, not better or worse than any other human being.  I realized we all come with our preconceived notions, the lies we tell ourselves, the truths we refuse to face, the inevitability of injuries, hurt, and fear. We bring all of this to our practice.  Those I teach are no different, no better or worse. We are all practicing in the best way we know with what we have been given.  

And if I weren't so good at compartmentalizing my emotions, I probably would've gone home and cried.

I went in thinking this weekend was about learning to bring mindfulness to an aspect of asana to elevate someone's practice, but when I left I found I had elevated my own.