Change

Change is inevitable.

I stood at the edge of my relationship this week and decided to lean into the fall.  It was different than the usual way I go about things.  But this was something I had felt coming for a long time -- certainly months....no, definitely years.  Change. The worst part of it is not how it affects us, but rather how it affects our family.

There have been lots of "I almost" "I was just about" "I was going to" "I finally" statements thrown in my direction.  This is nothing new.  It's part of the dance that has become so familiar-- a glimmer of hope in the distance that looks pretty from afar, but it never gets closer. It never becomes a tangible thing I can hold or feel or rely upon.  It is this cloud of future statements that has blurred everything and played into my desire to see positive outcomes come from negative situations.

Change is inevitable, yes.  I expect this weekend will be tough.  We will be hammering out the details of separating. We will be discussing logistics of school and work and timeframes. A lot of decisions.  I am thinking ahead to what I really want.

This morning, I told my mom about all of what's transpired this week.  First off, I confessed I quit working for one of the health clubs.  I've taught classes there for 7 years.  The vibe has changed. Really, I never cared for the big box gym concept.  It's not worth my stress and anxiety every week.  My children hate going and sitting in the chaotic, windowless room they designate as a holding pen for the kids.

Then I told her about my discussions of separating.  Gasp. She is always, for better or worse, supportive.  She commented that our family has observed the landscape of the marriage over the years and understands.  Sometimes they (mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law) just laugh at the situations they've witnessed.  Sometimes, the ones who never say anything, say a lot.  There has always been an undercurrent of concern.

Change. I saw it from a distance.  I ignored the inevitability, the signs, the gut feelings.  I can't ignore it any longer.  I have said and done too much to look back.