Stronger than I think.

I've attempted to squeeze in a little more yoga exposure these past couple of weeks by taking classes (other than my teacher training and my own yoga practice).  Each class has its personality --  Some channel their inner drill sergeant (so not zen), while others are more playful/mellow.  Still others use the biomechanical cues or perhaps the sanskrit terminology.  In short, what type of instructor you get ranges just as much as the type of yoga you practice: Ashtanga, Vinyasa, Hatha, Bikram, and so on.

I've admittedly avoided one instructor for quite some time -- not because he isn't any good.  He is direct, always en pointe, very structured but chill.  His classes may not be as spiritually-based as I would like, but it's always apparent he's put a lot of thought into his sequencing and his class goal.

I've avoided his class because it's incredibly challenging.  He kicks my ass.

I do other things to kick my ass.  I force myself to run a few miles.  I teach back to back classes at least once a week.  I jump rope until my calves burn and my shoulders ache. However, I want my yoga practice to give me more than just some challenging balance pose or intense inversion. I don't want to expend too much energy on the outward expression.  I'd rather be focusing inward.

Last weekend was D's (the instructor) birthday.  I felt compelled to go, yet, extremely hesitant. I'm not strong enough.  I'm not worthy of the type of practice that he provides.  But we have always supported each other in our yogic and fitness endeavors. We've worked together.  We're social media friends.  We've gone to the same studio, the same courses in college, loads of the same trainings -- both academic and otherwise -- so I went. And I survived.

Like most things, I had built up anxiety over a 1 hour class. This class we practiced handstands.  I learned a better technique.  I had a better handstand than I'd ever practiced on my own. Hell yeah.  My yoga friend, R, reminded me just how long it'd been since I'd taken D's class.  It was over a year ago--before I started yoga teacher training and before I was capable of inversions and side crows and crane postures. R reminded me just how strong I am now.

Insert life metaphor here, right?  You know it's the truth.  We succumb to anxiety over things that we can, in this moment, confront and overcome.  We think it's easier/better to just to be held to our limitations.  Be motivated to kick your own ass, even when you think you can't do it.