Safe and Fun

A handful of years ago, my husband and I decided to go to one of those marriage workshops. We registered last minute, found grandparents to babysit, and headed to the ballroom of some downtown hotel.  There were many types of couples present -- those who were newly married, those who had been married over a few decades, those who weren't married any longer, but were still trying to work it out.  I knew we fit in there somewhere, somehow.

I was desperate for him to understand me both in the present moment and to accept my past.  There was also the desire for me to find reasons to believe we were supposed to be together, even if reconciliation seemed like a pipe dream.  We experienced various breakdowns and breakthroughs a couple would expect while spending clearly what we could've frittered away on a luxurious weekend.  My husband made a point of muttering that comment several times over the weekend. Still, I gave him props for going through with it, even when his heart was in no position to be completely open.  

What stuck with me most was one of those quotes/statements the facilitator made on the last day:  People want two things in a relationship--- to feel safe and to have fun.

How true.  When we don't feel safe in a relationship, we stop communicating effectively.  There are some of us (sensitive types like me) who would rather just not say how we're feeling than be judged or attacked or criticized.  Safety equals the ability to be free and open.  When we're fearful of the reaction of our mate, we aren't in a position to love.  We retreat into survival mode.  And when I say "we," I certainly mean "I" -- perhaps I'm just to afraid to say it.  (I'm working on recovering from years of being criticized)  You cannot love someone that you fear. At least, I never could work those two emotions at the same time.

At the end of it all (and it is the end) I never felt safe.  I told him the other night that, in many ways,  I felt violated.  My journals had been rifled through, my conversations secretly taped, my phone tracked both legally and illegally, my email account and web browser had been hacked, there are more examples but....all in the name of "love?"  No, this was because of his fear that I would do something.  Funny

 I live with quite an open-minded view of the world, but hypercriticism, defending myself, or having to walk on eggshells will put me back into survival mode-- a stagnant place to be in a marriage. Letting go seems like a much better option, even if it means uprooting everything.