It's my daughter's birthday today. Two or three blog posts ago I was expressing how much I love this time of year. The change in the weather is something to be celebrated. Yet, now I'm realizing how much I have a love/hate relationship with the fall season. Or what remains of this year, from now until New Years.
From last week until the start of 2015, there will inevitably be something happening. My birthday begins the rush of the holidays. Then, my daughter's birthday will be followed up within the week with the remaining festivities of Halloween. Afterwards, my soon-to-be ex will be playing "rock, paper, scissors" with me to see who gets dibs on Thanksgiving. Between then and Christmas, we will be carving out time and festive rituals with the children.
It is a season of pure exhaustion. Not only am I settling into a new place, but also, I'm dealing with my first semester as a professor. Though I've got a syllabus and a plan, every class is a new beginning. I have an idea in place, but I haven't implemented it. It is not fully realized until after it is taught -- after the handouts have been printed, after the lab tests have been administered, after the essays have been graded. It means putting together my own rubrics for grading and attendance and figuring out exactly what I should find important or what I find to be less worthy of my energy.
Many nights I've found myself no closer to the end of my daily checklist. There is still a personal statement and a 4 page analysis to write for my entrance to the Master of Liberal Studies program. I have two more trainings to complete for my part-time group exercise gig. I can't seem to get through to the end of anything. I have a stack of papers to edit. There's an insurmountable, endless collection of tasks that haunt me. And all I want to do is shut my eyes and sleep.
I'm ready for this exhaustion to pass, but I'm pretty sure it's my body's defense mechanism against stress. I know I will survive though. I just know I will.
You will survive this. But it will take time. Overwhelmed is not an emotion I deal with well (is it even an emotion? A state of being, perhaps?) I have a tendency to let my thoughts snowball and before I know it I've created an avalanche that buries me.
ReplyDeleteDuring a time of great change, the liberation and the tumult band together to create a sense of urgency where there need not be. Some things can wait. You'll know which ones. Divide and conquer, my friend.