Sleep

Gone are the mornings that I sleep soundly until the chime of my alarm.  Nowadays, my body stirs in early morning and I rise before the sun.  There are so many things to do and the only time available is while it’s still dark.  At least, that is what I tell myself.  In reality, it’s various factors. 

My bed is now a queen sized futon mattress.  I sleep on what has become a landing pad.  It’s purely circumstantial, but between the stress of the days events or the ongoing emotional saga, I have no problem sleeping.  I thud hard into slumber each night as if the everything (classes/kids/cleaning/dinner/work/attorneys) has wrung all of the energy out of me. Last night, 10:00 came and I was irritably ready to close my eyes, but trying so hard to keep going and going.  When they’re finally closed, It’s heavy and deep. There’s no tossing and turning — unless, of course, the dog has snuck into bed with me as well. The bed frame is a couple feet from ground zero and I believe she thinks it’s her glorified dog bed.  It feels much like one; however, I hear that this hard mattress is good for your back.  Time will tell.  Whenever I “thud” into bed and curse at the lack of comfort, I think about what I’ve read about Ajahn Chah, a Buddhist monk who recounts his nights of sleeping on a broken wooden door.  I’m quite sure that my little bed provides much more comfort than what the monks could afford as they built their monastery in the middle of the woods. 

There is also the lack of a bedmate.  I have become accustomed to decades of falling asleep in the arms of another.  Now, most nights are just me. The exception is when my littlest one tiptoes into the room after a restless dream and snuggles up. Those are the sweetest moments.  The dog also finds her spot sometimes. Although I don’t particularly want her on the bed, I also find solace in feeling her sweet warmth and sensing the cadence of her puppy breath against my thigh.  When it’s just me, I find that there’s no reason to linger in sleep.  I will wake early and do the things (like a blog post or pick up on my reading) that I couldn’t force myself to do before the crash-landing of the previous night.  

This is an era of love and hate.  I love this house. That’s for sure.  The price I’m paying to orchestrate this, well, it is a hefty sum. Don’t misunderstand; it’s totally worth it, but that weight is heavy enough to make me want to close my eyes and sleep.