Strangers

Any person in this situation would be conflicted.  That is what I tell myself.  When you build a relationship, a history with someone, there is bound to be an extended period of time, possibly years, that you hesitate making a split or decide whether it is necessary. It was a slow path to clarity that ultimately led me to this point: I am irrevocably heartbroken--not because of one singular event that caused a dramatic end to an otherwise solid marriage.  I am heartbroken because I realized that even with all of his great attributes -- like being a great father, being personable and affectionate -- I made too many exceptions to my personal needs and desires.  Too many times I discounted what ultimately is important for a lifetime long relationship.

Last night we met at our son's soccer game.  He was dressed to go out on the town. I was casual and bundled up in a sweatshirt and a hat.   We stood next to the field like strangers. He wanted me to spend the night at the house with him.  He made some excuse that we were going to see our son run at cross country in the morning, so we might as well.... insert failed logic here...  After all, the divorce papers are filed.  His response has been acknowledged.  The attorneys claiming stakes on a strange paper-filled battlefield. Ego. Words. Wit. Strategy.

I'm not expecting perfection at all.  Each one of us, especially me, is made up of a rather complex set of flaws.  As partners we tend to create some hierarchy of what's important to us, and if we listen close enough, we follow a kind of internal compass that can lead us to where we really should follow. Instead, I made a lot of exceptions and reinterpreted a lot of bad, bad situations.  It is what we do in our mind when we're hopeful for things to be ok.  Bandaids never work for very long.  Eventually the wound festers and it's all a mess.  I'm still heartbroken that he is who he is and I am who I am -- a combination that will, for all intensive purposes, not be good enough to last.

He is heartbroken too, of course, but for different reasons.