Liberation

I visited the grocery store this morning before most people were up and going about their Sunday rituals.  Grocery shopping on Sundays is not a typical event for me. However, as I was wheeling my 85 dollars of mostly frivolous purchases to the car, I recalled what it felt like to be a teenager out on my own.  Since the separation last fall, I've had this sense of freedom that can only be analogous to my freshman year of college.  It was 1994 and there was a Papa Johns Pizza within walking distance of my dorm room.  I lived on the intracoastal in West Palm Beach attending a private Christian college.  I recall craving a large sausage and cheese pizza and ordering it for takeout.  After strolling across campus to the downtown area, I sat outside the Papa Johns by myself, eating the entire thing..... because I could.  There was no one to witness my gluttony.  There was little guilt and not a soul to give me "the look."  It was quite liberating.

In that same vein, now I feel my grocery visits have become somewhat of a rebellion.  I buy organic this and that.  I may have glanced at two prices in passing. It's a funny thing when you don't have someone critiquing your purchases or the exorbitant amount you just spent on veggie cheese and designer protein bars (the ones that are never on sale).  Sadly, I must admit there had been times in my marriage that I pre-edited my grocery bags (expensive stuff to be shifted to the back of the cabinet) so as to avoid the finger wagging that accompanied the Starbucks Via packets or organic strawberries.  I can't tell you what a good feeling it is to not have to do that any longer.  

Of course I had considered the notion of just verbalizing my desire for organic spinach and almond milk to my husband; however, it became such a fight every time I wanted something that wasn't a value or a store brand version.  It was my fault that I found it easier to just buy it and put the Via packets in with the generic substitute of the Crystal Light packets.  This is deceitful, I understand. Mind you,  I didn't just immediately default to the idea of hiding things.  It came after a number of years of being judged and questioned about stupid piddly stuff.  I subscribe to my mother's philosophy, "100 years from now, we'll never know the difference."  

So since moving, that part of my life -- the judgement, the stuffing of random pricey things in inconspicuous places has ceased.  It's like eating the whole pizza without judgement.  

Not all of it is liberating -- there are still the consequences of buying the more expensive things.  Between paying my attorney, my house rent, and my tuition, there are a lot of expenses in my life.  I don't even make a livable wage.  I believe my frugal ways will return-- but for now, I'll be buying what I want until my credit cards tell me otherwise.