December 3 (internet down)

Posting Now: (I started this blog in Word a few days ago when the network was unavailable) 

As much as I try not to feel guilty about what has transpired in my marriage, I can’t help but feel the blows rather than absorb them.  The, “you threw our marriage away, tore our family apart, and now you are bankrupting us” was a pretty strong list of inflammatory statements hurled my way today. 

At least this morning began with smiles from the children. They excitedly  sprang out of bed to find out what goodies had been left overnight in the Advent tree.  In the spirit of holiday tradition, I thought it would be fun to start a new Christmas ritual.  I found an Advent tree with little boxes for each day.  When the children arrived at my house yesterday they were excited and inquisitive about the silvery mirrored tree.  It was even suggested that it travel back and forth from one house to another, but I don’t think P would be so fond of it.  I also procured a girlfriend for our Elf on the Shelf – so Elfie at P’s house has a girlfriend, Holly, at my house.  She has assumed watch over the children while they are at this little cabin in the woods.  I didn’t want to transfer elves and trees along with the other various things like backpacks and suitable footwear.

After shuttling the giddy children to school, I decided it was time for me to create a new running route.  My old loop was miles away from my house and I was ready to change it up.  I’ve become rather adept at measuring how many miles it is from one end of a well-traveled road to another.  It was my suspicion that it would be almost exactly 4 miles to run over the bridge at one end of the boulevard and then circle back to run across the other bridge.  I’ve been reading Chi-Running, a book I once checked out from the library.  I’m revisiting the concepts of bent knees and forward motion using a tilt and running from the hips instead of the legs.  Even with the bridge work, my splits went down and I was, in my own way, flying.  There’s the race in March we always do, just us girls; I’d like to be prepared for it, but I never am completely. Such is life  -- always thinking about being motivated to do something, maybe not reaching quite the level we see in our mind’s eye.    

Pieces Parts

"So, not to bring up a sore subject but..."

I hate it when conversations begin with the terror that someone is about to crush your mood.  The rest of the statement wasn't too horribly bad.  I don't recall it word for word, but the spirit of it was --questioning whether I felt lost without having my children all weekend long.

I spoke from my gut.  "No. I don't feel lost."

In actuality, there are parts of me -- kind of like this diagram above, that feel an aching for my children.  Perhaps it's near the cross ribs or the shoulder clod, but certainly not in the hip or the brisket. And most certainly, not ALL of me at once.  I am rarely lonesome.  There are invitations to float across town or stay in town and grab coffee.  Some may just offer out of the initial pity one feels for a single-ish gal who just moved out on her own.  Mostly though, I feel genuinely wanted instead of the third wheel.

Friday was the typical fun morning of teaching group exercise classes.  I had been quite distracted and disoriented that morning, but I muddled through the abs class and the following two classes with very few hiccups in my choreography.   Afterwards, I did intervals on the treadmill for no good reason...  just because I had the time and some pent up energy to spend.  I set the treadmill on 7% incline and would run/walk my way up the nonexistent hill. By afternoon, I had received an invite to take the new train down to a local eatery with my friend and her family.  I was Auntie C -- and I loved every moment of their girls.  I let the elder one borrow my sunglasses.  I offered the younger one my bright blue highlighter.  We were fast becoming relatives.  I told them I'd rather be a sister than an aunt. My friend's husband replied, "not if I have to buy you a car and put you through college." I reassured him I'd pull my own weight.  I just wanted to be part of their sweet, nuclear family.

I was again invited out for fun on Saturday.  Oh, and brunch on Sunday too.  My social calendar was full of sunshine and brisk walks in the breezy weather.  I even played rock, paper, scissors with my ex to find a suitable time for me to steal the kids away for a bit.  I took the two children out for a bike ride -- which ended up being way too long for my youngest. It was still a beautiful weekend and one of those moments I was happy to be alive.  I took photos documenting the sights, the sounds, because we all know what a picture is worth.

There weren't too many things that could've made it even better.  Who am I kidding? There was one or two things I could've enjoyed as well, but I will take what I can get.  I guess that's what my life is boiling down to in this moment.  It is moment by moment the philosophy of "take what I can get."  Because really, I don't have any other choice.  I can go along singing the blues that I'm in a divorce, that I don't have my kids Thanksgiving night, that someone didn't call or text me, but what good does that do?  It's more fun to embrace that, in the moment, the pieces that are here and present are good things.